Do you know that feeling that you get when your heart finally makes a decision that your brain was telling you not to? That moment you are thinking about nothing, sitting in class, watching TV, trying to find your ipod in your mess of a room, and your heart just stops, for a second, and you can’t breathe, knowing that that decision you have been trying to make for months has finally been made. I experienced that feeling again today, only two times in my life have I had this feeling.
I first had this feeling when I realized in September that swimming wasn’t for me anymore. I was standing in Charlies watching the kid in front of me try to learn to use the new kiosks, and I had this feeling, that even though I wanted to try and do it all, I couldn’t, and the only thing that made sense to stop was swimming. At the time that was the hardest decision of my life because it has been a part of me for so long, but I know that it was the right decision.
In two weeks, I believe that my world will change, though I am not a senior and not graduating quite yet, I am losing the best friends that I have ever had. The people that have saved me and have always been there for me, more than I ever could have asked for. The ones who got me to open up and come out of my shell. They are going to walk across that stage at graduation and leave me behind. What will I do without them? Who will eat my leftover mac and cheese, who will I have couch time with when I don’t want to do my homework. I know that I am not losing them for good, but when you are no longer in close proximity with people, you grow apart, it happens, and there is no controlling that. I know that I will meet new people because I always do, but it is hard to have to start from scratch your senior year of college.
I have been experiencing what it is like to be a “senior” with them lately and part of that is why I think I was finally able to make my decision. Now this seems delayed but it is my fear that is preventing me from saying this out loud, fear of the unknown and unexpected, and fear of what’s next. Though I love Assumption and I have been changed so much for the better I am finally able to make the decision to graduate a semester early. Leave the comfort of a college environment, the place that I have called home since the second week I was here, and have barely left since them, and a place that I finally felt like I really belonged for the past three years. I starting debating this in October when my roommates were trying to figure out their lives and I suddenly realized that I could graduate early, like two of my roommates had done. I never thought I would actually make a decision about this, I have been struggling with it for so long.
But, tonight it finally felt like that’s what I am supposed to do because everything happens for a reason and there have been so many signs. I can’t let wanting to take a certain class for no reason, or missing out on senior stuff hold me back even though the ladder has been holding me back. But why stay somewhere for something like that when the people you care about the most are leaving in two weeks, and you have already been able to experience it with them. Even though I will miss out on being a second semester senior, there is so much more out there for me, I have found who I am here and know that I have a thousand opportunities lying in front of me. For me college was a place to find myself and find out who I am supposed to be and I think I know that now, and that even though it scares to death to know that I will be done after the next semester and enter a world where what I am going to be doing next is not laid out for me, I know that I am ready to enter the world of the unexpected and experience new things and grow even more.
And I am ready to go, I am ready to start a new chapter of my life and take a risk for once. Not knowing what’s next is scary but you can’t always know what is going to happen, plans don’t work out, and things change, people change. I would know that most of all, I have changed so much in the past three years and I am changing everyday along with the people around me. The people that I have met here have influenced my life in so many ways, and I know that the ones that matter the most, the ones that truly care about me and I care about them will always be a part of my life.
But I have made my decision now, the hardest decision of my life, but I know that I won’t regret it, I know that God has a plan for me, and now it is time for me to figure it out.
