The things you're scared of are usually the most worthwhile.

I'm scared. Let's be honest, who isn't. I'm scared of the future, I'm scared of not knowing what's next, I want to just know what is right and what it is I am supposed to do, but I haven't had that revelation yet, and I am beginning to think that I won't. I study economics but I never thought of myself as an economist before, until I realized that when it comes to me making a decision about anything, I measure the costs and benefits of each decision that I could possibly make. There are costs and benefits to every choice that we make in life, but sometimes you need to throw away that list and follow your heart. But what happens when your heart is telling you to do one thing and your brain is telling you to do something else.

So, what is it that I am so afraid of? Well, first off, I still don't think that I am making the right decision by graduating early. For next year, I finally achieved official student leader status, and if I leave early that will be taken away from me. But the other problem is that nothing can be certain about this change until I go to Italy, and my credits transfer, which may not be until October. And until I drop that sign language class that I have been wanting to take since freshman year, and I would add it as a CE class, but of course they have not put up their fall schedule yet, and I have to add a theology class, and it's not even the one I want to take. The one that I want to take will be offered in the spring. And, to add to it, the internship that I was hoping to get in the spring, whether I graduated early or not, yeah, I'm pretty sure it's only open to students and if I graduate, I will not be a student. There are too many unknowns right now and that is making everything that much harder.

I got to experience senior week this year with my best friends, and I want to experience that for myself, and not in the way that I have been in the real world for four months and I am going to pretend it didn't happen, in the way that this is it, this is my last chance to be really irresponsible, stay up till dawn and have fun. That scares me also, because truth be told, do I really have people that I really want to experience that with, no. Trust me, I know that that could all change in a year, because that happened this year too, many of the people that I am going to miss the most next year, only came into my life this year. The biggest thing that is holding me back from saying that I will definitely stay is that I will stay is money, and though I hate for that to be the reason, but the thought of saving that much money makes my parents so happy, and they would be so proud to say that their daughter graduated college in three and a half years because I can see it when we discuss it.

I am afraid of graduating early. I am afraid of not graduating early. I wish there was a middle ground, a way to do both, and I know that sounds crazy, but if life was perfect, it could happen.


I am afraid of what's next, and now I know that it is a year away, I am a planner, I cannot go into something without knowing the schedule. I love schedules and lists. I have already started my "life binder," a binder filled with my options for whats next: grad school, but what would I study; year of service, what do I want to do and my parents would definitely not be okay with that; go abroad and work there; move to Boston; move home; move across the country to a brand new place? Why is there not a guidebook for what to do once you have received that degree, once you are done with school. I have been going to school for 15 years, I always knew that I would get my summer off, then head back to school in the fall. In elementary school, it would be back to school shopping: new clothes, new binders, new pencils. In college, that meant no more sitting around, I now get to go back to my friends and my life. But, I also haven't really had a break from school since high school, I have taken summer classes every summer, because I figured why not get ahead, summer classes are so much easier and you are only taking one. Yes, I am going to Italy this summer, but between my sightseeing and traveling there will be some classes and maybe some work.

I am waiting for that revelation, for me to get to a point in my research and I will just know that that is where I am supposed to be. It hasn't come yet, and I know that it is early, but I just want a sign, even if it is a small one telling me that I will know what it is that I am supposed to do in this world. I have no idea what I am supposed to do with my life, but part of me just doesn't care, it doesn't matter if I change jobs every couple of months and can't make a decision about what makes me happy, I learned that the only thing that matters is the people you have in your life. But is that really great if I am living in a box, making minimum wage at 30 years old, no. I need an income, because everything in this world costs money, as much as I wish it didn't, it does, and that changes things. Not only do I need to choose a career that I am happy doing, that is a criteria I have set for myself, but I need one that pays me well. Isn't that kind of stupid, choosing a career based on the pay rate?

There are some things I do know about my future: I want to travel the world, see everything I can, see things that no one else has seen, and take in what is around me. I want to scuba dive in the Great Barrier Reef. I want to learn to surf in the waves of Hawaii. I want to learn more languages and with that learn about cultures. I want to live in New York City while I'm young. I want to learn to ski or snowboard, whichever hurts less when you fall, because I will fall. I want to live, if just for a short while, with no commitments in tranquility. I want to watch all of my favorite TV shows first season to last. I want to watch the sun rise. I want to have a bonfire on a beach. I want to live on a beach. I want to take a road trip across country. I want to get in my car one day and just drive and have no time limit on being back. I want to do a triathlon. I want to run the Boston Marathon. I want to go in a hot air balloon. I want to sky dive, well I think I do at least. I want to go parasailing. I want to go kayaking. I want to swim with the dolphins. I want to see whales in their natural habitat. I want to be happy.

The difference is that these things are easy to accomplish. All I have to do is believe that I can do them and make the step for it to be done. The problem is that I don't know what it is I want to do with my life. I know the things I want to do and the places I want to see, but I have no idea how I am going to support these things. I know that it is normal to not know but it's hard for me.

The things that you are scared of are usually the most worthwhile. And I am scared of a lot of things, but that doesn't mean that I shouldn't do them, or do something about it. I am scared, but I have to believe that whatever path I choose will be the right one for me, and that maybe one day I will get a revelation that it is right for me. Who knows, maybe it will be after I have chosen a certain path, that it will finally seem right for me. I just need to take a leap of faith and believe that things will happen the way they are supposed to.