Senior Year: 9 months til graduation

This is it. I am officially part of the oldest students on campus. When I got back to campus a week ago, I could just feel that it was different, that everything had changed. Literally, lots had changed. Construction projects everywhere, new people, new campus. Though, it may seem silly that one summer could really have that much of an effect on a campus of 2,100 students, it did. I was here all last summer, and almost nothing changed. But I guess the world knew that I wasn't ready for this year already and all the changes that come with it, they decided that we should have a lot of changes because of how much I love change (sarcasm). I hate change. I don't like it when things are different and I don't think that I have ever really been able to FEEL the change before.

I am trying to be positive, its a new year and time for new experiences, but after a few days of everyone being back, I already know that I can't handle it. My support system is gone, and thats not something you can find a new one of overnight. Let me tell you: it is not easy to experience a time like this without that support. I no longer have that person I can talk to, just because, nothing has to be wrong but even when things are great and you want to share that joy with someone.

One night back and I was already feeling like this, rethinking everything I thought I had decided. That shouldn't happen. I need to figure out why this all happened so quickly, and why I am struggling so much to just give it a chance, it was just one night, you can't let one night decide your entire life (or at least the immediate future of said life).

That was my lowest moment so far, me not giving it a chance and a moment of weakness. But its really only been three days, I can't let a bad night affect the rest of the year. There are so many things to look forward to: Seniors First Night Out, START, Winter Ball, SEND, Spring Ball, 100 days, 50 days, last night out, senior week, and then the scary part: graduation.

I am already back to my to-do lists and schedules, and figuring out the best time of the day for me to take my nap. This year I have even more committments then I have had in the past, but I think that I can handle all of the responsibility that has been put on me, especially with Up 'til Dawn, I know what I need to do to plan a successful event and I have put my trust in my executives enough that I don't have to have the weight of the world on my shoulders.

So here is my goal for the year: Don't think about the past, or the future, just think about now, and take in every moment because college only comes around once and the experience is over before you know it.

The best way to end a month in Roma.

What is the best way to end a month in Rome? To stand above the city. To end my trip I climbed to the top of the dome of St. Peter's Basilica. I saw the entire city from up there, and it was probably the best way to say my goodbye. Now, what I have learned recently, after climbing the Leaning Tower of Pisa and this dome is that I am deathly afraid of heights, or I may be afraid of falling down the stairs, not really sure yet. But I do know that I am panicked as I walk to the top, and there are no railings, so I am gripping the walls, taking each step extremely slowly, as the people behind me are probably getting annoyed. But I found myself standing outside on the dome, with 800 tourists, unable to start finding my way back down. I just wanted one more minute and then another, I am not sure what it was but it is always hard to say goodbye, I just didn't think that after a month I would feel like this. I am happy to go home but I feel like I am not quite finished with my time here. But I am, tonight is my last night, I leave at 5am tomorrow to catch my flight home, and I have to say goodbye to Rome. I said goodbye to St. Peters, the Pantheon, and my favorite monument the Trevi Fountain. I even hugged that one goodbye. I guess you really don't realize how much something means to you until you have to leave it.

I can guarantee that when I get home I will start asking for acqua naturale, and say grazie and ciao. Have to figure out how to say something in Italian before I ask someone for help, and probably think that I will have to walk everywhere. I will just assume my meal choices are pizza and pasta and try to find food places that will take my food vouchers. I will expect to be constantly sweating all the time and think that I am able to just walk by the Colosseum, the Pantheon and ancient ruins. But I won't. These things don't make sense in New York or Worcester. I won't be able to turn the tv on and watch American shows in Italian, they will be in English. I also won't have to subtract 6 hours to see if it is a safe hour to call home.

These are all of the things that I have done while I was here, and so much more. Like I said in my last post, a month doesn't seem like a really long time, but it is. It can seem like a lifetime to some people and when you are constantly moving you cannot believe it went by so fast.

I ended my time in Rome the same way I started, by going to mass at St. Peter's. The difference was that I understood so much more of what they were saying than the first time I went a few weeks ago. I think that the most important thing that I learned about myself while I was here, was that if I set a goal for myself, even a simple goal, I can accomplish it. I set that goal when I climbed Mt. Vesuvius, when I climbed the Leaning Tower, when I climbed the dome (they all have to heights don't they?), I set a goal, I told myself that I was going to make it to the top, no matter what, I went to that place for a reason and I will reach my goal. They all had different motives but I accomplished them every time.

So that is my new goal when I get home, set small goals for myself, they don't have to be huge, but just small steps to get to the bigger picture, and keep trying until I reach it.

"What if we just acted like everything was easy?" -Mary Ann Robinson

Cinque settimane fa.

4 days. That's it. Four days left living in Rome. I finished one final today and I have another one tomorrow and then I am done. When did that happen? No more eating next to the Pantheon and drinking sexy wine, no more walking past the Trevi Fountain just because I can, and no more getting that feeling that I am almost home when I see St. Peter's Basilica. Who in a million years would ever think I would be able to actually say that I have done these things. Right now I am "studying" for my Italian final tomorrow and then I am done with Italian, in school, forever. I will not be taking any economics classes in the fall because I already finished that minor. I have 5 more required classes to take and I am done with college. Again, when did that happen and why haven't I been warned about this?

My next for days are jam packed. I am going to visit the Mouth of Truth, take a final, climb to the top of the dome of St. Peter's, go to Pisa to see the leaning tower and pretend to stop it from falling, going to Tivoli and Hadrian's villa, packing up my apartment that has been my home for the past four weeks. I know that four weeks may not seem like a long time, but your life can change in an instant, you can have a gazillion life changing moments in just four weeks. What have I done in the past four weeks. I have stood on top of the world, visited 8 cities, saw numerous ancient ruins, experienced a few strikes, got to know the streets of Rome and experienced a whole new culture while still trying to really figure out the language.

Even though I loved my time here and am so lucky to have been able to experience this, I am happy to go home. I am happy to get away from the drama that people create amongst themselves, I am happy to have to have a choice of pizza or penne for every meal, I am happy to not want to cut my feet off at the end of each day. But I will miss being able to wander the streets of Rome, to get mad at all the tourists groups because I am trying to go somewhere and actually know how to get there, to have people ask me for help in Italian and actually being able to answer them. I wouldn't have traded this experience for anything and even though I cannot even remember the moment that I knew I had to come to Rome, I am grateful for that moment. And I am grateful for the people that make me strong enough to let me do this, I am grateful for the people I have met here and hope that we aren't just another page on each other's journeys, that there is still more to come.

Now it is just time to sit back and relax and enjoy the next four days ahead of me, because who knows when my life will ever bring me back to Italy.

the soundtrack of my life.

You know those songs that always help you get through a bad day. Even if you are not having a bad day and you hear them your day just gets better no matter what and you get a reminder of the things that really matter. I was sitting on the train today, from Florence back to Rome, and I was just staring out of the window with my headphones on, just watching the scenery. Now I wouldn't say I had a really bad day, but certain things about this trip to Florence were not what expected. I wouldn't say that I hate Florence, I would say that it is beautiful but under the circumstances that were the past two days it wasn't a great trip. I won't go into details about what exactly happened but it included things like fighting with a resturant for overcharging us, having a tour guide that would just not stop talking when all we wanted to do was wander, and being called a party pooper because I wanted to go to bed early because we had to get up at 7am and have to get up that early again the next day.

These were the things I thought about during my hour and a half train ride. I thought about, as awful as it may sound, the fact that these people I am with will only be in life for four weeks, and although it is great to have a connection with someone, it just doesn't always happen. I have to try and ignore the things that are going on around me and enjoy the fact that I am a resident of Italy right now. Enjoy the fact that I translated something into English for someone this morning, enjoy that I have to walk through Vatican City every morning to go to school, enjoy the fact that the things I am learning in class I get to go see, like in my Art and Culture class, and get to speak the language, using the review in my Italian class. I need to enjoy the fact that I am watching an American TV show in Italian right now and I understand what is going on, without having ever really watched the show back home.

I come to certain songs on my ipod and I am just reminded of all of the things that I need to enjoy right now. I remember all of the people that I am so lucky to have in my life back home and all of the things I have to look forward to in the next year (besides the whole life changing moment that will come in and having to make a decision about said life).

These are my top 10 songs that I decided to call the soundtrack of my life. They all have some significant meaning to me or the lyrics are just right to know that everything is worth it and that I am lucky to be riding on a train through the Italian countryside earlier.

1. "Unwritten" by Natasha Beddingfield

2. "This Life" by Mercy Me

3. "My Wish" by Rascal Flatts

4. "Without Reason" by The Fray

5. "This Is My Now" by Jordin Sparks

6. "Don't Stop Believin'" by Journey

7. "Sooner or Later" by Michael Tolcher

8. "Dare You to Move" by Switchfoot

9. "Another Day" from RENT

10. "Little Wonders" by Rob Thomas

in cime al mondo.

I am on top the world. Literally. I am in the clouds way up in the sky, on top of an active volcano in Italy. I am standing on top of Mount Vesuvius, after a 45 minute drive up most of the mountain and another 1000 meters to the top walking, in my flip flops (not really sure why I thought that was a good idea), but I made it to the very top. With my walking stick in one hand and my bottle of water in the other, I paced myself up the mountain, I didn't care how many people were passing me or how long it took, I was going to make it to the top of the volcano. I wanted to stand next to the crater and see the world from so far up high. It was my one goal of the day, and I accomplished it. Partly for me, partly for the fact that my good friend and college roommate Denise was about to walk down the aisle and I was on a volcano. Jokingly before I left, I said I can't go because I will be at Mount Vesuvius that day. I did not realize that we were actually going to the volcano that day and had no idea I was climbing to the top til I woke up that morning.

I think that at the top of that volcano, I realized that I was actually here. In Italy, living in Rome, going to Naples and Capri for the weekend, just to get away. How crazy is it that the world can work like that. One day, I am sleeping until 2pm everyday, and never have a reason to even leave the house, except to go shopping or eat food. And now I am living in Italy, I have called Rome, home, more than once in just two weeks, and I am getting to know the city really well. I travel to Capri, Naples, Florence, and Venice for weekend getaways, and take a walk past the Trevi Fountain or the Colosseum or the Spanish Steps just because its on the way. Did I ever imagine that this could happen? I have thought about going to Italy for years, sent in my application last December and it was all set: I was going to spend my summer living in Rome. How does that ever seem like a reality? It doesn't, it all happens so fast, life happens so fast, especially when you are really starting to enjoy where you are and what you are doing. Right before I left, I registered for the GREs, senior year starts way too soon and I am now in Italy. Life moves at the speed of light, and as Ferris Bueller once said, "life moves pretty fast. you don't stop and look around once in a while, you might miss it."

Never have words been so true, right on the dot. Life does move pretty fast, and as I stand on top of Mount Vesuvius, which by the way could actually erupt whenever it feels like it, you realize that everything is real. What is happening right now is really happening, and even though I still feel like I live in a cloud, and it is funny to say at that very moment when I think I lifted out of my cloud, I was literally in a cloud.

So, if you ever feel like things aren't really happening or life is moving way too fast and you need to put some things into perspective, I dare you to climb to the top of a mountain, stand on top the world and just take a look around, take it all in, because things like this don't happen everyday.

la bella vita.

As I sit in my apartment on Via del Mascherino, one block from Vatican City and the pillars of St. Peter's Square, I grabbed my dose of HannahKaty.com. Even while I am in the most amazing city in the world, where there is over 2,000 years of history on my doorstep, this blog helps me to put life in perspective.

First off, things started to be put into perspective for me when I was on my flight to London. I cannot fall asleep on planes just I just lookout out my window and read my book for 7 hours. It was nighttime at this point and I looked out the window and the moon was just so bright and full and unlike anything I had ever seen. I was reading Eat, Pray, Love, which is an amazing book to help you put your life into perspective, and it was especially good for me because I was reading the section about Italy, and I was going to be there in a couple of days. Things just started to make sense to me, and I realized that I have to do what I have to do because it is for me, not for anyone else. No one else can tell you who you are, and you are in charge of your own density. If you want something to happen, you have to make it happen.

Now, to what inspired me to write about this today, was when I read Hannah's blog about we are told what it means to be beautiful in magazines, in movies, about how outward appearance is what really matters, not what is on the inside. Personally for me, I have struggled with this issue for as long as I can remember. I cannot remember the last time that I really didn't care about how I looked on the outside, and have taken extreme measures to "fix" this. Including when, and people who knew me two years ago saw this change in me, I lost about 70 pounds in one summer, now that may be something to be proud of it was not done in a healthy way. I worked for six weeks this summer. Before I started working, I went to physical therapy and rode my bike almost everyday. Then when I started working I did basically the same, but with work thrown in the middle, so not has much control over when I could work out, and I had joined the gym at this point too. Then camp ended and I had three weeks until I had to move back to school. So for these three weeks, I woke up, had a bagel, rode my bike for three hours, swam for two hours and went to the gym for an hour everyday for three weeks. I lost thirty pounds in those three weeks.

I loved the attention I got when I got back to school, at this point I didn't care how I got to this point, I was just proud of myself for getting there. And for the few months that followed I had swimming and was eating, but burning so many calories in the water, it didn't matter. I look at those pictures today and get so mad at myself for letting go of that, and how I felt then. But, lately, I have been a different person. For the first time in my life, I feel like I have a plan, a purpose. And I have the best friends that anyone could ask for, and even though 8,000 miles separate us right now, nothing has changed. That is the most amazing feeling in the world, and it has nothing to do with my appearance. I am happy with who I have become on the inside, and while I do hope to become healthier just to have a healthier lifestyle, I don't care to ever do that to myself again.

Putting one aspect of your life in perspective can put everything in perspective, and when someone tells you that it is okay to be who you are, no questions asked, no judgements made, life can become a smooth ride.

So, here I just wanted to personally thank Hannah for your amazing words of wisdom and for helping someone like me realize that it is okay to be who I am and it is okay to share this story even though while I was typing it I just wanted to press delete everytime something seemed hard to admit.

italiano. italiano. italiano.

Section one: Complete the sentences- Come ti chiami? Mi chiamo Shannon. Quanti anni hai? Ho ventuno anni. Section two: Name the object in singular and plural forms- La sedia, le sedie. Il libro, i libri. Section three: Read the story and answer the questions based on the story. etc.

This is all simple stuff, I flew through the first section in 10 minutes. Then I reached the next section and realized that this was the section that would determine whether I got into Advanced Italian or not. If I don't get in, I can't take Italian while I am in Italy because I have already taken Intermediate and it will not count for anything. How much would that stink, not being able to take the language you have been learning for three years while you are in the country that speaks it. The second section was all grammar, and while I do remember learning all of this, I just could not remember the conjugations, I kept getting confused. I haven't take an Italian grammar class in a year. The last two classes I took were literature in Italian and culture in Italian. There was no English in the classes, but we didn't review grammar.

My other problem is that I understand the language, I just struggle when it comes to speaking it. I have to stop and think about how you say a certain word and the order the sentence should go in. The other day, my friends and I couldn't figure out which way to go on the metro in order to get where we wanted to go. So, I walked up to one of the workers and asked in Italian, which direction is Cavour? They told me after that it sounded really natural and I got really excited about it, but I still don't know if I said it correctly, but it was enough that he could understand what I was asking.

Now, not to sound conceded or anything but in the Italian class yesterday, I felt that I was the most advanced person there. There is only 5 of us trying to test into either Intermediate or Advanced. The professor speaks very little English, so he talked to us completely in Italian, I understood just about everything that he was saying to us, and everyone else was looking at each other with blank stares, and everytime the professor left the room, everyone would ask was he said, and I seemed to be the only one who really understood. The exam said that we had to get at least 80% on the section of the class that we wanted to place into, but with all the grammar in that section I don't think I did that well. After the exam we were reviewing the passato prossimo versus the imperfetto. During the exam I couldn't remember exactly which was which and when we started going over it in class, it all clicked again. I really think that I can handle the advanced, I just need someone to remind of the reasons for using each tense and it will all click back into my head. I tried to re-teach myself from a book, but it is so much easier when somebody is telling you, especially when it is someone who really knows. I mean, you can't ask a book a question can you? I mean you can, but it won't answer.

On the positive side, I scored the highest in my class, which is very rare for me. I am not a bad student or anything but there are always smarter people than me in every class. On the negative side, it was not high enough the qualify for taking the advanced level. (Even though, it is the same class, so I really don't get it to be honest). Now this causes a dilemma back at school because I have already take Intermediate like I said, and the other course I got approved to take here, I cannot take because it conflicts with my Art and Culture class, which I love!

So, me being me, I freaked out about this whole dilemma. I talked to Rosanna, our director woman here and explained to her that I need the Advanced credits to transfer, and this is when I found out that I got the highest grade, but not high enough. It was frustrating to me because I saw my test, and got at least half credit on each grammar section, which means I know it, but I couldn't remember all of it, (back to the whole haven't take a grammar class in a year thing). And she said there was really nothing they could do, since I didn't place, but the score didn't include any of the oral conversations we did after the class or anything, so again, more frustration set in. She told me to contact my school and see what I could do, so, being my panicky self I emailed Dean Knowlton at was to her 6 in the morning. The email was probably about the length of a novel, explaining how I couldn't take Italian V in the fall because of conflicts with another class, and how these are the last two classes for my minor, etc, and sent it off. Now, again being my crazy self, I called my house, it was about 6:30am at this point, and both my parents were still sleeping. So of course when I get on the phone with my mom, freak out mode kicks in again.

I have sort of gotten over this whole thing, I am frustrated that I didn't make it into advanced, but I found out that Assumption may give it to me as an advanced class anyway. Basically it is like our level five, because we are just doing grammar review, and not speaking in English, the fact that the professor barely speaks English helps with that. And I have become much more comfortable going into a store and speaking in Italian, however they always seem to know that I am American, because they will answer me in English. Still trying to figure out what gives it away, but they do give me credit for speaking to them in Italian or at least asking if they speak Italian (parle inglese?) before I start speaking to them in English.

Hopefully by the end of this month I will be able to be conversational in Italian, I am not saying fluent because that is definitely pushing it in my opinion, but conversational. So when I get home, I am going to have to find some Italians so that I can keep practicing my Italian when I leave.

Ciao for now!